Well ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I feel like going on a good ol' rant and ramble, and while I can't guarantee that it will be a fun and exciting read, I can say that it will probably contain moments of self loathing, anger at the world, contradictory statements, and a whole list of other random crap that I feel the need to get off my chest at the moment. Like my photos there's likely to be a little something for everyone but a whole lot that doesn't apply to you.

First I guess I'll go into the fact that I'm thinking about going back (if back really applies to this situation as I only spent one semester going to tech school for automotive mechanics) to college in the fall... I just haven't figured out what the hell I want to go for so I haven't enrolled yet. Other reasons behind the postponement of this event are the fact that I'm scared shitless of failing or that I'll end up taking generals for the rest of my life because I can't figure out what I want to do... at least of realistic options at this point. By this I am referring to that I was thinking about a career in law enforcement but due to my being an idiot who doesn't always think things through when he is bored I got a DWI last fall and thus that is not really an option at this point. However there is always the possibility of going for something art related as that is what I excel at, and I do find the prospect of studying law or psychology to be intriguing fields as well, of course do the the large variation in my interests it makes this decision difficult especially do to the fact that I'm looking at not graduation college until I'm thirty or older due to my years of largely pointless existence based mostly around partying, girls, and whatever the hell else I've wasted my time with. These are of course not anything one can base a career around.

Back to my DWI, due to this I'm on probation, which means more or less due to my ever present need to rebel has led to, well me going from going out and drinking about once a month to spending my weekends at the bars or in my living room with a friend or two, which if I still lived in a populated area would at least mean I could attempt to meet new friends, and perhaps a potential new girlfriend (more on this later). Of course where I live now it is more or less a frivolous journey to fill the boredom with conversations about pointless, though entertaining things, that really get me nowhere. I also can't drive which has done little to help with my search for entertainment, love, and escape from my small boring town.

Now aside from these general annoyances there is the fact that I'm entirely certain the I suffer from a range of issues including depression, anxiety, and insomnia. Of course the depression sometimes counters the insomnia. I'm pretty sure that this could all be fixed fairly easily with some simple medication, if of course I wasn't so completely afraid of being normal. You see I'm one of those people who hate that they're depressed and not terribly comfortable around people (get the drinking now?) and would like to be rid of it but are also of the mindset that these things make me who I am. Artistically the depression seems to lend toward my creative style, be it writing songs, taking photos, drawing pictures, or whatever. It does however seem that without these issues I'd have a much easier time with the rest of my life, such as dragging my ass out of bed in the morning, which sometimes is a difficult thing to do, some days it seems nearly impossible. Now before anyone starts to worry about me, I've never been the suicidal type, though curious on a scientific aspect of what the afterlife holds, I'm also atheist and don't really believe that anything happens aside from my conscienceless ceasing to exist, and I am a big fan of existing. I feel that I've kind of had it with the depression however, and think it's finally time that I get some help (had you going there for a second didn't I?) and perhaps figure out if I can exist as a normal, perhaps even happy, person. I firmly believe that without my social anxiety meeting new people would be exceedingly simple as I do do have a personality that others seem to enjoy when I'm not sitting quietly in a corner or worse yet in my house.

On to my biggest problem, well in my mind, in that I do not enjoy being single. I especially do not enjoy the fact that nearly, if not, a year later I'm still pining over my ex-fiance. A girl who as far as I can imagine wants nothing to do with me and is in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I've tried my hand at getting over her and was in a wonderful relationship for several months. My heart was just never fully in it. I did love Kristen, but it wasn't the same, there simply wasn't the connection I felt with Kia, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever feel that connection again or if I'll simply have to settle for someone and that doesn't seem fair to whoever that will be. Of course what I'd truly love is to get my ex-fiance back it's far too likely that that bridge has been burned beyond repair and that I must face the fact that no matter what I do to fix myself the damage is has long since been done and cannot be undone.

In lighter news my grandparents have asked me if I'd like to take a trip down to visit them in Phoenix, and I'm rather excited for a change of scenery, even if it would only be for a short time. Though I've never really been of the belief that one should avoid there problems (thought that's far too often what I do...) I do feel that a little break from them would help to clear my mind immensely, and it's always good to see them. My grandmother is far and away one of the most intelligent people I've ever met and conversations with her are far more enjoyable than those I have with many of the people around here. I also had a good weekend with some of my friends this weekend at Mapleton Town and Country days. My good friend Eric came down for the weekend and he and my friend T.J. and I went and enjoyed the beer garden and were able to catch up with some old friends from high school. Relaxing and watching movies and playing video games by day and out enjoying drinks and old friends by night is exactly what I needed this weekend to deal with the clusterfuck of stress that my life has become as of late. There's always far too much going on in my mind and most of it goes in endless circles with solutions escaping me, so simply clearing the corrosion with social lubricants and breathing in the fresh (though noisy, I seriously need a new AC, but at least I've got it working now) air of sitting on a couch taking in movies, simulated combat, and stimulating conversation was a great feeling.

By this point I'm sure most have stopped reading, and that's fine. I do this mostly to get it off my chest and less for your enjoyment, although I do hope that if you were compelled to read that you were entertained or learned something about me, yourself, life, or at the very least realized that one must not give up hope and that, as I hope is your situation it could always be worse and you could always be me... a little bit crazy, bored, lonely, and bottomed out on a side road of life hoping to make it back to the highway that you should be on to get your life where it should be going. With that I leave you all until my next pointless, but hopefully more fun entry... Maybe I'll even get some photos up on here when I don't have an absurd amount of zombie movies downloading and somewhere near 20 articles from Cracked.com dragging down my connection speed.